We tend to get really fixated on the idea of losing our virginity, but for some guys, their focus on it borders on obsession. Some men (and a few women) who have never had sex despite all efforts describe themselves as “incel,” which stands for involuntary celibacy. That would be all well and good on its own if the incel subculture wasn’t putting forth terrible ideas about sex, dating, relationships and women. Some incels have even taken their frustration with never having had sex so far, that real people end up getting hurt or even killed. Consider the case of Elliot Rodger, a 22-year-old who went on a shooting rampage and killed six people because he’d never had sex. Not only did the incel subculture sympathize with what he’d done and insist he hadn’t done anything wrong, they implied that Rodger couldn’t be a part of their group anyway, not because he killed people, but because he was conventionally attractive and could have gotten laid if he wanted to. That’s not even scratching the surface here. Here’s what you need to know about the incel subculture.
The incel subculture is a support group. Many men who are involved with the incel community aren’t even in it for sex, they’re just lamenting the fact that they don’t feel that they have any connections. Reddit users H77b had this to say about that: “In my entire life I've never connected with someone. Not a friend, nor any woman. No one in class knew my name or anything about me and now in college I remain in isolation.”
However, the subculture is ridiculously dark. One poster on love-shy.com who was lamenting his situation took his frustration to a higher level. “I think if I do end up going on a mass shooting spree it will be due to the mental damage/stress from being isolated from meaningful human contact for too long. If/when that ever happens, can I really be blamed for murder if I’ve lost my mental faculties to judge right from wrong?”
He’s not the only one to have had that line of thinking. 22-year-old Elliot Rodger went on a shooting rampage because of his frustration at never having had sex, and six people died because of that frustration. While he’s not representative of every male virgin and I’d never say that he was, many men who call themselves incels have really similar lines of thinking.
Some people actually supported what Rodgers did. The blog The Incel Blogger had a lot to say about what Rodger did, and exactly none of it was condemning any of his behavior. “What happened is punishment for evil and violence of feminists and liberals. Any of you supporting atrocities like women’s suffrage, immodest clothing, child support/alimony, no ban on adultery, ban on prostitution and a lack of female premarital chastity, all the things that drove this young man to be unable to find a girlfriend, are disgusting, horrible people and you created a culture where this is possible.”
Many incels blame their lack of sex squarely on women. One poster on co-alpha.com responded to the news of Rodger’s shooting spree by blaming feminism and saying that modern women need fixing. “Society would rather perish than change its ways. … Even without fixing modern women, legalized prostitution could easily prevent at least some of these killing sprees. The people of modern culture are stupid beyond help: they refuse to understand that if you kick a nice dog enough times, it will become a mean dog. No dog is entitled to even one bone, they say.”
Rodger was actually rejected by the community, but not for the reason you think. Many incels didn’t think Rodger was a real incel. This wasn't because Rodger murdered people, but because he was too attractive to qualify. “Good looking, rich, he could have had female attention most of us only dream of,” wrote one commenter on love-shy.
Other people agreed. The Incel Blogger was another guy who thought that Rodger could have gotten any woman he wanted. “He could have flown anywhere in the world with the money he had, there were places where he could have found a good non-feminist wife. I have no idea why he didn’t try that.”
A lot of these boards have debate fantasy scenarios. That sounds all well and good, but it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. For example, one of those scenarios was: “a device that will make any woman in the vicinity want to have sex with you – all you would have to do is ask.” One answer went like this: “Women are basically mind controlled anyway, so any arguments about free will are pretty ridiculous.” They lament not being born in “a time before socialist government policies eliminated women’s need for men.” That should give you an idea of what we’re dealing with here.
Incel boards love rape. Rather, the way they talk about rape is almost reverent in a way. One man on an incel board thought this was something that would cheer everyone up. “For 99% of human history, there was no such thing as dating. For 99% of human history, females did not choose their sexual partners. If they were LUCKY, they would be given to worthy men in arranged marriages. If they were UNLUCKY, they would be seized as spoils of war and end up as sex slaves.“
The scary part? That worked. Many incels have said that they would actually prefer that sort of thing to the system of dating we have now. While modern dating is undoubtedly flawed in its own ways, to say we need to go back to sex slavery because some guys can’t get laid is pretty absurd.
Incels don’t like body positivity. Reddit user MasterTeacher88 had a lot to say about body positivity in response to the idea that the concept in itself is a scam. "I think it's fair to say we have 'accepted' fat people. But this movement is different, it's going past acceptance and wants a society where fat people (and let's be honest it's just women, nobody gives a s**t about fat guys) are seen as just as attractive as skinny fit women and that's just never going to happen.”
Some incels have even talked abut importing brides. This isn’t something that’s agreed upon by the community, but a vocal contingent of the subculture has talked about how some incel guys end up marrying foreign, likely Asian women. Some incels think this is a good idea, and others think that this is a good way to end up with another incel like Elliot Rodger. “They have incel sons and slutty daughters typically. Think Elliot Rodger and his sister.” writes Reddit user Sentinab. There’s also been talk of government provided girlfriends.
Others lament the idea of social justice in general. Some incels actually believe that social justice will actually make their problems worse because women are actually the oppressors and have the privilege. “They want to make the world communist and remove all biases against gender, race, and looks and s**t. Though what will they do about how people who look bad are treated like s**t and how people who are ugly can never find a girlfriend?” writes Reddit user BananaBeem5Loaded.
Many incels have cast themselves as the victims of feminism and of guys they call Chads. A Chad is a person who’s attractive and has sex with as many women as he wants. However, incels blame their plight not as much at the feet of Chads, but at the feet of women. Reddit user DefenseOfTheRest posted a very, very long diatribe about how women’s liberation has made the struggles of men worse. His final paragraph labels the oppression of women as something fake. “Women's Liberation has failed. The story of the underprivileged woman was an invention - and against an invention one cannot stage a rebellion. Once again, men are the mourners. In a country where man is exploited as unscrupulously by women as in the US, a movement that fights for yet more of women's rights is reactionary, and, as long as the screaming for female equality does not stop, man will never get the idea that he is actually the victim.”
It’s hard to get into all the ways this community can get really toxic. What’s really scary is not only that Elliot Rodger and even crimes like his aren’t unique, but that it’s a lot more widespread than any of us think. This line of thinking doesn’t just show men frustrated at their lack of sex and human connection, it shows anger that women have come far enough to dare to take ownership of their sexual lives.
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