Everything That Turns My Partner On Turns Me Right Off

Most people have that one thing that immediately turns them on. Whether it be a fetish, their favorite adult film, or even the slightest reminder of a past experience, just the thought or sight of it gets their sexual gears going. It gets them in the mood and ready to unleash the sexual beasts inside of them. But what happens when the one thing that turns you on, also happens to be the one thing that does the exact opposite for your partner? Here, we explore all the ways in which you can learn to cope with this dilemma, figure out a compromise, and get your sex lives back on track.

Fetishes. People are into some very bizarre things— golden showers, incest fantasies, and sneeze fetishes, just to mention a few. Granted, it doesn’t necessarily make anyone a bad person, and just because you might not find getting doused in pee to be a turn on for you doesn’t mean you should pass judgment on the person who does.

Relationship. The only time someone else’s fetish or wildest sexual fantasies should be a problem to you is if it’s your own partner’s fetish, and you find that you just can’t seem to get into it yourself. Having different sexual interests could be problematic for you and your partner's sex lives, but it's not a problem that can’t be fixed.

Normal. First and foremost, you should understand that nothing is considered “normal” sexual behavior these days. According to She Knows, “society teaches us through media messages about what is normal and acceptable sexual behavior. Yet, non-normative sexuality is the norm!” People are into many different things, and sexuality isn’t black or white.

Communication. Obviously, the first thing a couple who isn’t mutually agreeing on what they want from one another sexually should do is have a conversation about it, away from the bedroom. Talk about why that particular thing bothers you, and what you can both do to compromise. If you find that your partner isn’t willing to meet you halfway, you might have another problem on your hands.

Balance. Psychiatrist Daniel J. Tomasulo gave one woman who was struggling with her boyfriend’s urolagnia fetish advice that could be useful for anyone in a similar situation. "Let him know intimacy and sex are a reciprocal process and your needs are no less important than his. Otherwise the relationship will continue to be unbalanced,” says Dr. Tomasulo, via Psych Central.

Honesty. Once you’ve laid everything out on the table, you can try to figure out a solution. Talk about why your partner’s fetish turns you off or why it bothers you. Don’t be afraid to be honest. You might come to find that some of the stuff you’re into turns your partner off too.

Your own terms. If perhaps, your partner’s fetish isn’t something that you have completely ruled out, rather something you don’t know much about or aren’t completely comfortable with, allow them to introduce you to it slowly so that you can learn to embrace it on your own terms. After all, sex should be about pleasure for the both of you, and shouldn’t be one sided.

Mutual interests. If you just can’t come to terms with accepting your partner’s fetish, that doesn’t mean the relationship has to end there. Another simple solution could involve both of you talking about all the different things that turn you on. You might be surprised that you have certain things in common, and you can focus on that particular thing instead.

Alternatives. "Openly discuss what you both like sexually, so you can seek out alternative ways to enjoy sex together that mutually appeals to you,” reports She Knows.

Perspectives. Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Seeing things from their point of view might actually make you more accepting of their fetish, and even if you still can’t get into it, you should still appreciate your partner for being open and honest with you about what turns them on.

Therapy. If you find that you really can’t solve this dilemma on your own, seek outside help. There’s nothing wrong with getting help or a second opinion from a sex therapist or counselor, so long as you go into the sessions with an open mind.

Talk. Lastly, talk about it often. Mention it in passing, in a non sexual environment, or over dinner. Normalizing the fetish as much as possible might help you become more comfortable with it, and over time you might find yourself not even being phased by it anymore.

Quits. At the end of the day, if you and your partner really can’t settle on a solution or a compromise and you’ve absolutely exhausted all of your options, it might be time to call it quits. Sexual compatibility is important in a successful relationship and life is too short for you to settle for someone that doesn’t meet all your sexual needs.

Alone. Don’t be afraid to spend some time alone, exploring your own sexual needs and desires. If you’re single, use that time to adventure and experiment, so that when you do end up getting into a relationship again, you’ll know what you’re willing to put up with, and where you’ll draw the line.

You. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you couldn’t accept your partner’s sexual fantasies? What did you do about it? Share your opinions with us!