The study. The University of Queensland in Australia’s Psychology team, led by Matthew J. Hornsey set out to find out what men and women really look for in their mates. It’s assumed that non-conformity is a value for women, but not for men. In a series of studies, they tested hundreds of students to find out.
The stereotypes. It’s an old assumption that women who conform to society’s standards are the ones that make the best marriage material. Men ignore women who are non-conformists and write them off as being difficult. It’s also assumed that women go for the rebels and love men who stand out.
The findings. Hornsey wrote, "Nonconformity is more attractive than conformity for women and men. People think that men prefer conformist women, but this impression is discrepant from reality.” All studies actually pointed to the fact that both men and women are more attracted to non-conformists.
Women misjudged what makes attraction. Women who were studied were commonly under the impression that men preferred conforming women. Though the study disproves this, this thought process is common. Women are often told that conforming and being subservient and lacking opinions is what men prefer. Because everyone loves a wet rag of a human, right?
Nonconformity means higher success for relationships. "Dating success was greater the more nonconformist the sample was,” the study found. Couples that were non-conformists had more success than couples who were conformists. This could be because of a healthier view on relationships and their partners, or it could be that non-conformists make things more interesting.
We remember our nonconformist exes the most. The study found that "perceptions of nonconformity in an ex-partner were associated with greater love and attraction toward that partner.” As many people know, the exes that stand out are the ones we miss and think about the most. This could be because they made a greater impact on the test subject's lives or the relationships were better.
The male results were surprising. The study found that men actually prefer non-conforming women more than women prefer non-conforming men. This is starkly different than the stereotypical belief that men prefer women to blend in. Women who were individual and thought for themselves were heavily preferred by the male test subjects.
The stereotypes were outdated. Though women do prefer non-conformist men, the stereotype that men like conformists is terribly outdated and sexist. It goes with the notion that women should be seen and not heard, and most men don’t actually think like that anymore. With equality becoming more and more prevalent in society, though it’s not quite there yet, powerful, free thinking women are more appreciated.
Our society is more individualistic. Though men may have preferred conformist women in the past, our society doesn’t value conformists. The group mentality and community based thinking of the past is gone. We think and move like individuals in today’s society, so people focus less on how people fit into a group and more on what each individual has to offer.
The pressure is off women. Though female test subjects were under the impression that conforming women were preferred, their fears are unfounded. Though being a man’s ideal mate is not what they should be aiming for in life, the pressure is off of them to downplay their non-conformity when dating.
Why nonconformity makes a better partner. Though an agreeable partner may be easier short-term, it becomes boring. Human beings need to be around people who stimulate their minds and interest them. Conformity isn’t a good quality in a partner, because it’s a recipe for an unhealthy relationship. Conformists may be more dependent on their partners and less likely to thrive individually.
Why being a nonconformist makes you happier in a relationship. Conforming is exhausting. Being agreeable and subservient at all times to a partner strips you of your individuality. Honesty falls to the side and your repressed personality will go to waste. Having love and acceptance for exactly who you actually are is comforting.
Why some people like conformists. Those who prefer conformists may feel that way because they have controlling tendencies. Controlling someone is easy if they go out of their way to agree and conform to your standards. Not liking someone who is expressive of their opinions and who acts as themselves is for the emotionally stunted.
Why we conform. Everyone is born an individual and we decide from there. No one starts off as a conformist, society breaks them down and makes them that way. Conforming is a tool for someone who seeks acceptance and is insecure of their personality. As a society that’s becoming more individualistic, we actually value non-conformists more.
How being a non-conformist gets you ahead. Freely expressing your ideas and personality despite societal norms doesn’t only get you a date. Being a non-conformists sets you apart and opens up opportunity. Employers value people who are creative and go against the grain. Standing out is what puts you ahead of everyone else.
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