10 Ways Weed Makes Me a Better Girlfriend

STOCKSY, PHOTO IS A PROFESSIONAL MODEL AND IS USED FOR ILLUSTRATIVE PURPOSES ONLY

The first time I got stoned was in the back of a car when a hot senior passed me a joint. I was in the ninth grade. I accepted to impress him, and felt a rush of endorphins from the attention that was greater than the buzz itself. A decade and a half later, cannabis is an integral part of my romantic identity—but now I have the power. I buy it. I smoke it. I pass it to my boyfriend, we get stoned, and have mind-blowing sex on it.

My early 20s were mostly spent drunk and testing the strength of my septum. By 25, it was time for a healthier lifestyle. At 28, I've found that for me, the importance of going green goes way beyond recycling: from the basil and spinach growing in the apartment I share with my partner to how I now relax, with teas and the other kind of herb.

The way we talk about weed is changing. Forget the tacky lava lamps and the Sublime blacklight posters and the Cheeto-bloated high school boys. With the sweeping legalization movement, marijuana is getting a much-needed makeover, showing up in everything from elegant wedding photography to upscale dining experiences. Marijuana is also starting to be seen as a dating tool: There are dating apps for stoners and even cannabis dating coaching. 

For me, it's made me a better person—and a better girlfriend. Here's how. 

1. Weed Makes Me Slow Down

How I understand mindfulness (with credit to my therapist) is simply being present. You certainly don't need drugs to practice mindfulness. In fact a sober (okay, except coffee) two-minute morning meditation is one of the best ways for me to set the tone for the rest of your day. Yet in my experience, when I'm stoned, being in the moment comes as second nature. When you're mindful (okay, and stoned), mundane activities become more fun, from finally washing the dirty dishes to giving blowjobs, two activities my boyfriend absolutely appreciates. (Sorry, honey, for referring to a blowjob as a mundane activity.)

2. Girls' Night Just Got Better

My weekly girls' night is more crucial than therapy for me—the only way to curate the patience needed to put up with your significant other is to get a night off to bitch about them. You don't need weed to have fun with your friends, but keeping a tightly-rolled joint on the table makes things a whole lot more interesting for us (although the cheese plate does disappear sooner).

3. Date Night Food Is *Enhanced*

While alcohol has long been reigning queen of dates due to her ruling of bars and restaurants, adding a packed bowl to our "Netflix and chill" night makes staying in to binge-stream House of Cards far more enjoyable. My boyfriend and I have a long-standing Sunday tradition of taking a long walk with a vaporizer in hand to catch a flick, then following it up with nachos at our favorite neighborhood Mexican spot. 

4. Marijuana Helps Me Not Drink

Being drunk was not a good look for me, nor for my relationships. I was messy. I'd pass out and ruin chances of decent sex. There was a fair chance I'd make out with someone else. For me, putting down the booze and picking up the bud has been the most positive lifestyle shift I've ever made (perhaps aside from giving up veganism and returning to eating cheese). I'm kinder. I'm present. I'm loyal.

5. My Orgasms Are Stronger

Just gonna say it: Stoned sex is awesome. And should you queef, you'll really be able to laugh about it.

6. Pot Helps Treat My PTSD

Cannabis has long been hailed for its use as a treatment for PTSD. As a sexual assault survivor, I have lots of anxiety around sex—so I've integrated weed into my sex life as a way of alleviating my PTSD symptoms.

7. I'm Less of an Asshole

Being a Scorpio, I'm rather intense. Emotional regulation is not always my strong suit. When I want to put down the boxing gloves and pick up the giggles, cannabis is excellent for changing date night conversation from a lecture on the Perils of the Patriarchy to how we can use a horse suit to sneak my boyfriend into a concert I have a press pass to. Studies have shown that the THC in cannabis can aid in emotional processing, which may explain while I'm more pleasant to be around.

8. Weed Unlocks Our Dual Creativity

A mystical old man once told me that as a creative, my partner should be one as well. I take his advice with a grain of salt; I have creative girlfriends who are happily partnered with everyone from Wall Street traders to home inspectors. But for me, a benefit of dating a fellow creative is settling time apart for *joint* (heh) writing dates and helping one another with projects. 

9. Cooking Becomes an Adventure

Getting stoned together and staying in to cook a meal with my partner makes me wonder why I ever leave the house. They say that cooking is an art and baking is a science. Well, the art of experimenting with spices and creating a new stir fry recipe to elegantly meet your munchies upgrades your stick figure art to a memorable masterpiece. 

10. Pot Brings Us Closer Together

When I'm stoned I find myself behaving more openly and compassionately, which makes for more emotional intimacy. Plus, my boyfriend's jokes are funnier.

What Happened When I Tried Something New in Bed Every Week for 8 Weeks

Complete honesty ahead: I've been with my live-in boyfriend for a year now, and while our sex life is certainly fulfilling, it's not necessarily...kinky. We know what we like, what we don't like, and, with our insane work schedules, sticking with the simple stuff comes easier than spending hours on, say, shibari rope bondage.

But I really don't want commitment to give way to sexual monotony. It's such a cliché! I want to keep our sexual escapades as exciting as they can be—plus, it's important to make room for your wild side, right?

"If we can see ourselves being simpatico with money and neuroses and hectic work schedules, then I also need to know if we can handle a butt plug with skill."

Sure, I've experimented in other relationships, but I haven't in this relationship. And considering I'm in love with this partner, it's high time we raised the bar to see where we can go sexually as a couple. If we can see ourselves being simpatico with money and neuroses and hectic work schedules, then I also need to know if we can handle a butt plug with skill.

So, in an effort to up our sexual prowess, I declared a mission: We try something new in bed every week for eight weeks to incorporate more kink to our routine.

Follow along with our XXX-rated journey.

1. Week One: Anal

The day we first had full-on anal sex was the day we attended a Bernie Sanders rally in Queens. Because...sure. Why not?

It was, in all fairness, a great Saturday. We saw Bernie speak, went out for some of the best ramen in New York City, then we came home to our pre-marital bed and decided to try a whole new way to have sex. While we've both done anal before, it was our first time doing anal to completion together—and I was nervous about a successful run. In my own sexual history, anal attempts can sometimes dissolve into rather awkward "oow oow that hurts!" and then you're just. kind of. done. Pain, if not engineered, is not sexy.

"we laughed our asses off."

I've heard from porn stars to be selective about what you eat before getting it on anally, but I can attest that we (surprisingly!) experienced no issues after consuming spicy miso ramen. We did, however, used plenty of lube before anything was inserted anywhere. Your butt can't lubricate itself, and forgoing lube is not only uncomfortable, but you're putting yourself more at risk for tearing. We started by lubing up a finger (which honestly felt great as I got used to the somewhat familiar sensation) and when I finally felt comfortable, we progressed to full-on penis. And for the first time—call it love or diligent prep work—anal sex went off without a hitch. I'm now proud to say my partner and I have exceptional anal chemistry.

I'll be adding this to our repertoire.

2. Week Two: Name Calling

Outside of the bedroom, if my boyfriend ever called me a "slut," I'd tell him to pack his stuff and get the fuck out. But in bed, being called a "slut" is apparently a big turn-on for me.

Our standard "dirty talk"—if you can even call it that—is predominantly just cooing things like "baby" to each other while we go at it. Hardly winning us any porn awards, I know. And since "slut" is not a word my partner would typically feel comfortable using with me, the way we worked it in was straightforward: I asked him to. During a slur of other filthy speech—in which we narrated all the sexual acts we were performing on one another—I asked him to tell me I'm a slut, and he did, and I came. That's that.

3. Week Three: Threesome

Okay so here's the thing. We didn't technically have a threesome. But I said I tried something new every week, and we indeed tried to find a threesome partner. We're just still looking.

I also date women, and back when my boyfriend and I were just friends, we used to always talk about girls together. Even though we haven't slept with one together (yet!), it was still invigorating to swipe through Tinder as a team and check out women as a pair, not only for a turn-on, but because it reminded me of our friendship and the fun we have together.

Until that threesome comes to fruition, discussing and planning the fantasy itself is its own form of foreplay. During sex, I'll often whisper threesome fantasies in my boyfriend's ear—what another woman would be doing to him right now, what I'd want to do with her while he's watching—and that alone acts as a mega intense experience. But I still want the real thing. So uh...message me on Twitter if you're interested in going on a date with us?

4. Week Four: Slapping

In the right mood, slapping can be super hot. We've both tried this before with other partners, and when I'm in the mood, it's one of my favorites—but I've never tried this with him. So, before things got heated, I asked my boyfriend to slap me across the face—with very particular specifications. Without the proper communication (and now can be your time to finally create a safe word) slapping, spanking—really anything under the BDSM umbrella—can be potentially dangerous. But with the right communication, it can be awesome.

"think of butt plugs like engagement rings: If you bring one home to your partner and it's the wrong size, it's a snafu."

While inside me, on my command, he slapped me semi-gently, just enough to sting. I *instantly* liked it. The intensity of the sting coupled with the taboo nature of the act and the aggressive power dynamic put me that much closer to orgasm. Because my partner is respectful in real life, it's hot to watch the dominant side of him emerge during sex.

But the dynamic didn't quite work in the other direction. Later, when I got on top and (with his permission) slapped him, he winced. My heart melted like I had just kicked a puppy, so I had to stop. Submission in bed comes naturally for me, but I'm still working on becoming a better dominant.

5. Week Five: Butt Plug

I'm an advocate of butt plugs, or perhaps more accurately, proper warm-up before diving into full anal. But think of butt plugs like engagement rings: If you bring one home to your partner and it's the wrong size, it can be a bit of a snafu. As with weight lifting, when using a butt plug, you need to start small and work your way up. There is a time and place for the extra large butt plug (as you may have seen in certain porn videos). But since I hadn't used one in a very long time, I should have elected for the size small Fun Toy rather than the large. I didn't. Call it carelessness.

Stocksy

I had my boyfriend lube up a too-large butt plug and use it on me to responsibly prepare for anal sex, and the toy hurt so badly I cried. Anal sex with his penis was much more comfortable. We shoved the too-big butt plug back in the far reaches of my underwear drawer and away from my booty, and stuck with fingers instead.

6. Week Six: Dead Fish

We've already done about every sexual position I can think of, sans the weird ones you read about for the shower. At 28 I already have lower back problems—I don't need to slip on conditioner that may have doubled as lube. As I scanned my brain for new sexual positions, it dawned on me—dead fish! On Reddit and Urban Dictionary I had heard this term mysoginistically used to describe when women are lifeless during missionary. But what if just relaxing while the man does all the work is actually kind of awesome? Only one way to find out!

One night as we were having sex before bed, he was on top, and I unwrapped my legs from his waist and went completely limp. It put a delay in the orgasm train, as the position was far too passive for me. I like being *active* during sex, wrapping legs around my partner, touching, pulling, hugging, and holding, so this is not something I would be interested in trying again, but we laughed our asses off.

7. Week Seven: Fisting

Stocksy

My biggest sex mantra for straight sex is always: more foreplay, more foreplay, more foreplay. Too often men just stick their penises inside women and think that sex begins at penetration and ends at their climax. Sure, everyone loves a quickie sometimes, but sex should also include fingers, mouths, toys, and sometimes—gasp—fists! Or at least as many fingers as you can or want to get inside there. Don't believe the old wives' tales. If a vagina can birth a baby, it can take more than a few fingers in foreplay without becoming "stretched out."

I had my partner start with one finger, then two, then three, then four, then five. He couldn't get his entire fist inside of me, but the intensity of being thoroughly penetrated by something that's not a penis felt sexy because it was transgressive (a recurring turn-on for me, I've noticed on this mission). Fisting is still pretty taboo. It's fun for the same reason it can be hot to have your boyfriend use a dildo on you. Give both a shot!

8. Week Eight: Role Play

We have a Sunday night tradition. Dinner, sex, then Game of Thrones.It's important to have the sex before the show starts because I tend to get super sleepy after watching TV, Game of Thrones is notoriously rape-heavy (nota turn-on for me), and lying on the couch after we've both come creates an extraordinarily relaxing viewing experience.

HBO

Jaime and Cersei, the incestuous twins, often get painted in an evil light, but I find Cersei's cold ambition and strong family values endearing, and Jaime is just a big goof. So, to spice up one Sunday, I pretended that I was Cersei and my boyfriend was Jaime during pre-Game of Thrones sex. (We do look a little bit similar, so: bonus.)

Since I'm a role-playing novice, it felt best to start small. So it was all mental role play, meaning we didn't quite recite dialogue from the show or call each other Cersei or Jaime (next time?), but even just imagining that we were these characters kicked up the sexual stakes and brought yet another hot dynamic into our bedroom. I heard once that the biggest sexual organ is the brain, and role-playing, even in its smallest, most pedestrian form, confirmed this for me. Imagination is not overrated.

The takeaway:

After a long day of work, ordering nachos and binge-watching Veep can seem much more appealing than the physical exertion required to get it on with showmanship—but it's worth it. Devoting the energy to an exciting, sometimes unpredictable, and constantly evolving sex life is satisfying in a way that Game of Thrones will never be.

And for my part, trying all these erotic but slightly-outside-my-comfort-zone activities gave me a whole new perspective on what really gets me going. That and a renewed appreciation for Bernie Sanders.

8 Genius Ways to Orgasm Together

1. Give yourself the finger. If you need clitoral love during P in the V, buzzing a fingertip vibe—try the Frisky Finger ($11, PleasureChest.com)—on your clitoris during doggie is a game changer.

2. Get in before you start bar-hopping—not after. Alcohol makes you want to jump your partner's bones, but it pro-duces vasocongestion, down-there swelling that keeps him from going deep, which can make it harder for you to finish. Tequila is a cruel mistress.

3. Sex should not feel like Winter's Bone. Lube the eff up, please (both you and your partner, before and/or during The Naughty). Almost 50 percent of women say lube makes it easier to orgasm. And forget the myth that it's just for older women—all the cool kids are doing it.

4. Tell him to slide a finger (or two) into you while he uses his mouth on your Georgia O'Keefe. Internal and external play is twice as nice for your orgasm chances.

5. Lest we (and he) forget, the clitoris extends down our labia in the shape of a wishbone. So he should lick or stroke the labia while down there. Hello, O!

6. Good morning! Many women prefer getting it on in the a.m. No beer slowing down the sparks, no calzone exacting revenge....

7. Track your crimson wave—not only to save your Hanky Pankies, but because on the 13th day of your cycle (right before you ovulate), your testosterone levels peak, resulting in a higher sex drive and bigger orgasm potential. Download the Period Tracker Deluxe app ($1.99, iTunes and Google Play).

8. Seventy five percent of women told Cosmo they need to feel close to someone to orgasm. You obvs don't have to get it on with a life partner to get off, but Herbenick, who has interviewed tens of thousands of women about their sex lives, has this advice: "Just pick someone who's nice to you and you feel cares about you." Also, too many women overlook this simple sex upgrade: Make eye contact. It feels so intimate, it can help you reach your peak.

Were You an "Orgasm Virgin"?

Lots of women lose their virginity and have an active sex life...without knowing what it feels like to have an orgasm. If this is you, we'd love to hear about it. We're looking for women who didn't finish at all—not through sex, masturbation, or with a vibrator—and how that situation finally changed. Tell us: How long was it between when you lost your virginity and when you lost your "orgasm virginity"? Did you feel worried or uncomfortable about the situation? What finally changed things for you? Did you figure it out yourself, or did a guy help you learn? Send us your story, and it could be featured in a future issue of Cosmo (anonymously, of course!).

5 Lessons Learned from a Sex Class

Let's get one thing straight: "Sex school" is nothing like your high school sex ed class. Instead, sex classes-often sponsored by female-friendly sex toy boutiques-teach classes like "The Art of the Blowjob" (offered at Babeland stores in Seattle and New York) and "Think Outside the Box" (Pleasure Chest stores in New York and Los Angeles). And while the class names may sound risqué, participants keep their clothes on-and are taught by knowledgeable sex educators who aren't afraid to delve deep into their material. I know because I sat in on an "Art of the Blowjob" class at New York's Babeland. And I definitely think continuing ed can only be a good thing. 

Here, five takeaways from a sex class.

The class I attended served complimentary glasses of prosecco prior to class, and plenty of couples, as well as groups of friends, were in attendance. Also available: bananas for everyone, so certain techniques could be practiced. Yes, it felt silly, but not only did it break the ice, it actually was totally helpful in learning key techniques.

Sex Should Be Fun

Sure, new techniques-and trust me, there were plenty, including some very specific hand and mouth combinations I can't wait to try-are always awesome to have in your arsenal. But the underlying message that the sex educators present in these classes is that sex should, first and foremost, be fun for both parties. Even if a move ends up being ridiculous or awkward in real life, it can still be a major bonding moment between you and your guy.

There's Always More to Learn

Before I attended the lecture, I never thought about ways vibrators could be incorporated into oral sex (you can hold it against your cheek as you're doing the deed). But these types of tricks are ones that can definitely make your next session interesting-and are well worth the cost of the lecture.

Communication Is Key

So much of sex is about communication. In fact, instructors advocate having a regular sex date with your partner-one where you don't actually have sex, but instead talk about what types of sexy things you're both curious about. When you're actually naked in the bedroom, it can be hard to talk. Without distractions, it's easier to discuss the stuff on your sex bucket list. But sex ain't easy to chat about-are we right? For some post-class reading, don't miss 7 Conversations You Must Have for a Healthy Sex Life.

Sex Is About Adventure

Pushing your boundaries-which can sometimes be as simple as hearing the word penis said aloud in a public room without giggling-in a comfortable, safe space can only make your sex life hotter. (Pushing your boundaries could also mean testing out one of these 5 most popular female fantasies.) But even if you come away from a sex class thinking you'd rather continue expanding your sexual repertoire with, ahem, private lessons between you and him, that's still something you never would have known if you hadn't sat through a sex lecture.