It’s Okay to Want More Oral Sex

 If you’re aching for more oral sex from your partner but also mildly petrified at the thought of, you know, asking for it, one of the best things you can do is get advice from someone who knows what they’re talking about. Hi, I’m someone who knows what I’m talking about. As a professional sex coach and educator, I’m disheartened by the number of people I hear from—typically those with vaginas who identify as women—who don’t have as much oral sex as they want, don’t know how to ask for it, don’t even feel they have a right to want it, or some combination of all three.

I get how freaky it can be for some people to bring this up with a partner. Asking to be sexually fulfilled in a specific way can feel incredibly vulnerable. But the very vulnerability that comes with asking for what you want from your partner can make sex so much more satisfying for both of you. To that end, here are my four best tips for asking for more oral sex.

1. Think about not just what you want but why you want it.

Before having this conversation, determine what you’re craving physically and emotionally from oral sex so you can better convey that information to your partner. (Or, if you haven’t had much oral sex, what you think you might love about it.) This goes back to my good-sex ground rule of telling your partner how you want to feel in bed. Important note: It's totally fine for your "why" to be as simple as: "Because it feels good, and I want to feel good!" The key is just being able to articulate—both to yourself and your partner—exactly what you're craving more of in your sex life.

Your partner is not a mind reader. They won’t necessarily know that licking counterclockwise circles on your clitoris gives you full-body chills or that a combination of G-spot and clitoral stimulation makes you feel possessed (in a good way). They won’t magically realize that you’d be so much more into penetration if they warmed you up with some intense oral first. They won’t immediately know if one of the times you feel most loved, accepted, and desired is when they’re going down on you—unless you tell them. And you might not fully realize all of that unless you really think about how to put your love of oral into words.

2. Try to move past any shame you might have about asking for oral sex.

As you may have experienced, people with vaginas generally receive the message to be ashamed of their bodies and sexualities. Instead they are told the goal during sex is to focus on the other person’s needs, especially if that other person has a penis and identifies as a man.

If you’re mortified about your body or your desire for oral sex, it’s basically impossible to relax, allow the focus to be on your pleasure, and ask for even more pleasure on top of that.

I know that eradicating shame from your sex life is so much easier said than done. But I also know that this hard work is worth it.

Remind yourself that, as a human being, it’s completely natural to want sex. Good sex, at that. This doesn’t make you bad or dirty. And needing someone’s face right up in your vagina? Also great and normal. (It’s completely fine if that’s not your thing. The problem is when that aversion is rooted in shame.)

If you have shame specifically about how your vagina looks or smells, I’m happy to report that it’s unwarranted. One of the most absurd myths I regularly hear is that all vaginas smell like fish. Just…no. The way your vagina smells can absolutely fluctuate for normal reasons like having your period. But a persistently strong and unpleasant odor indicates something like a bacterial infection, which means you should see an ob/gyn. Otherwise, your vagina probably smells like…a vagina. None of your other body parts naturally smell like roses, so don’t hold your vagina up to unrealistic standards.

People also often worry their labia are “too long,” which isn’t a thing unless your labia are getting painfully caught in your underwear, cause discomfort when you walk, or anything of that nature. Even then, the problem is functional, not about how your labia look.

The list of reasons why you might feel sexual or physical shame is unfortunately extensive. Try to work on getting comfortable in your body (again, I know, easier said than done). If you’re really struggling to do this, consider seeing a professional like a sex therapist. And if you have a physical condition that’s causing you shame, such as vulvodynia (chronic discomfort around your vagina), seeing an ob/gyn might be helpful as well.

3. Think of this as a chance to have an actual discussion about oral sex—not just to make a request.

Exactly when and how it makes the most sense to do this depends on your relationship. Try to come from a place of curiosity about how your partner really feels about oral sex while remembering that you’re on the same team. In a healthy sexual relationship, the shared goal should be to make sure everyone is satisfied.

With that in mind, there are a bunch of ways to dive into this conversation. You can start boldly by saying, “You know what? I really miss oral sex.” You can start from a more vulnerable place by asking if there’s a reason oral sex has petered off lately. Hell, you can hold up half an orange and be like, “See how I’m eating this? Like, really diving in there? Any chance you wanna do the same to me tonight?” However you start, be sure to explain what you’ve realized about why oral sex is important to you.

Then ask your partner what they think. The goal is to start a dialogue, not just to get your request off your chest. Maybe they didn’t realize how much you loved oral and are happy to do it more often, in which case, awesome. But there’s also a chance they have a different reason for holding back. If so, the way they explain this can tell you a lot about who they are as a partner (or confirm what you already suspected). Let’s take the issue of pubic hair as an example.

It’s one thing if your partner says something like, “I really love going down on you, but—I’m a little embarrassed to say this—it doesn’t feel great to have a lot of hair in my mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I love your body! It’s just that specific sensation, you know?” It’s another thing entirely if they respond with something like, “Maybe I would go down on you more if your huge bush didn’t always get in the way.”

The distinction here is between respectfully and kindly explaining what might be holding them back from oral sex versus criticizing you and making you feel bad for even asking. The former you can work with. The latter is a red flag. Ultimately, a good partner will want to turn you on, make you feel good, and help you feel comfortable having these conversations.

4. Find a middle ground if necessary.

What if your partner isn’t hugely into going down on you because it’s just not their thing? Let me be perfectly clear: It’s okay for anyone not to like giving or receiving oral sex. But it’s also okay if oral is pretty nonnegotiable for you. Sexual compatibility is multifaceted, and it includes oral sex preferences.

This is where communication comes in yet again. The truth is that lots of people don’t looove the inherent act of performing oral sex but are still game to do it because they are psyched about making their partner feel good. Talking things through might help you and your partner realize this kind of dynamic totally works for both of you.

In less ideal situations, having this conversation might make you realize there’s a bigger problem at hand, like if your partner expects to receive oral sex but refuses to even consider giving it. If they aren’t open to finding a happy medium that satisfies both of you, my professional advice would be to at the very least consider dumping them.

I know, I know: Every relationship is different. But life is too short to spend time sexually indulging people who act as if doing the same for you is beneath them. You and your vagina deserve better.

How to Ask Your Partner for More Sex

 

Mismatched libidos are fun for no one. Two people fall in love bonding over a shared love of Neil de Grasse Tyson and a hatred of raisins. Without a care in the world, things are getting hotter and heavier than a Texas chili.

But as the relationship evolves, dynamics start to shift. Bills, kids, hormonal changes, job stress, and taking out the garbage can all rain on your sexy parade. One day, you wake up and realize the most action you've gotten recently is accidentally bumping into the washing machine.

Unfortunately, life isn't one big porno. People aren't running around horny all the time. A healthy sex life takes work. Relationships are a living breathing entity that require constant care.

And it's not just men doing all the initiating, sometimes women find themselves wanting nookie more often than their partners. From a woman who has been there before, I can say firmly: it sucks.

So how do you ask your partner to have sex without putting them on the defensive? Probably not like I did, which is by yelling "what is your problem?" while waving my new boyfriend, a giant phallic vibrator. 

I consulted Cris Marie and Susan Clarke, authors of the book The Beauty of Conflict for Couples for more productive advice. Here's what I learned.

Don't Make Accusations

As it turns out, people don't like having a finger (or vibrator) pointed at them. I suppose that explains why my technique didn't work. According to CrisMarie Campbell, saying things like "you just care about how you feel," "you don't initiate sex enough," or "all you ever want is…" are just going to put people on the defensive.

Instead of "you" statements, try "I" statements. For example, "I want to be more experimental in my sexuality and I want you to join me." Or "I want you, as my partner, to be interested in how I feel about our sex life. I can't tell if you are." Telling your partner what they do that you like or how attractive you find them, can make them feel more amorous towards you.

Heal Resentments

A low-key sex life isn't always about mismatched libidos. Often, one or both people are holding onto resentments, which makes them less interested in sex. I once lived with someone had a never-ending parade of less than savory friends coming in and out of our apartment. Between constantly cleaning up their messes, being eaten and drank out of house and home, and our arguments about it, my attraction to my partner took a major nosedive. You need to address your other issues, too.

Communicate

If you're on the shier side, talking about sex can be difficult. As much as we see sex everywhere in our culture, talking about it is still taboo for many people. Fear of rejection can also infect our ability to communicate our needs and desires even if we are in a long-term, loving relationship. Working with couples, Susan Clarke reports that men are often worried they will be perceived as "weak or judged as defective if they bring up sex-related issues with their partner."

"This issue is magnified when we begin to explore how little women understand their bodies," the authors say. "When you don't know where your g-spot is or how different types of touch make you feel, you can't ask for what you want."

Make Everyday Life a Little Sexier

You may be thinking, this all sounds great, but I want spontaneity! Spice! Less convo more horizontal mambo! More being thrown on the kitchen table when the kids aren't home!

Talking about sex doesn't need to be a boner killer. Sex isn't just about a one-time activity. Sexiness and sensuality can become incorporated in your daily life, says Clarke. Become more present: enjoy the juice of a strawberry, dance to your favorite sexy song, go commando, light more candles, wear perfume—you get the idea. Feeling sexy on a regular basis can help both you and your partner get in touch with those sexual vibes—no aggressive vibrator-waving necessary.

Have an Amazing Orgasm Sex Count

Being selfish in bed is generally thought of as a bad thing. But in order to have a really great orgasm, you have to be relaxed and comfortable with your own body. And the only way to do that is to take the guy out of the equation and spend some time thinking solely of yourself. Yes-we're talking about masturbating.

"One of the major benefits of masturbation (besides pleasure, of course!) is that women learn more about what pleases them," says sexologist Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast. "The more you know that, the more you can share with your partner, and the more you can take control of your own satisfaction and pleasure." 

Chances are, you're already doing it, so we're not about to give you a Judy Blume-esque 101. That said, there are little tweaks you can make to your regular routine that can take your one-on-one sessions to the next level, and even help improve the orgasms you have when you decide to bring a guy into the mix. Here's where to start.

Slow It Down

Sometimes, you're craving a fast, easy orgasm. And those can be amazing. But if your intent is a more intense climax, it pays to start slow. Lauren Streicher, M.D., author of Sex RX, recommends doing some of the same things you'd do before getting busy with a new guy: Turn on sexy music, slip on underwear you know you look hot in, read erotica or watch porn… Sure, it might feel forced at first, but the idea is to just do things that make you feel really, really turned on before starting to touch yourself. The less masturbation is just another item on your to-do list (make the beds, do laundry, touch yourself…), the better, Streicher says.

Way, Way Down

Okay, now you can grab that vibrator (or hand, pillow, or whatever else you prefer to use to get yourself off). But again, go slow, and mix things up a bit. "Vary the pressure and the way you touch your clitoris," suggests Morse. "If you always move in a circular motion, try going back and forth, or lightly tapping." You may find some new-to-you spots or moves to work into your usual repertoire. If you get close to climax, back off a little until the feeling goes away, then start again. This technique is called edging, and when you finally do let yourself go over the edge, your orgasm will be much, much stronger.

Give Him a Show

If you feel comfortable, consider masturbating in front of your partner. This is a win-win, says Streicher: Lots of men think it's hot to watch, and while you're taking care of yourself, he'll be able to see what you really like-and might even pick up some pointers he can use later, when you're having P-in-V sex. 

Nocturnal orgasms and how women experience them

When you hear the phrase "wet dreams," you usually think of something that happens to men. But they can actually happen to women, too (though they're perhaps not quite as wet), and they're more common than we realise. 

The fact that many of us learn about male wet dreams as early as primary school sex education yet can go our whole lives without learning about female wet dreams just goes to show how sexist the education we receive still is. So, let's get to the stuff we didn't learn.

It might seem seem odd that orgasms can require quite a bit of effort in your waking life yet come so easily (no pun intended) in your sleep. But our bodies don't distinguish between dreaming and waking states. Some people can "think off," but "dreaming off" is much easier. 

With our prefrontal cortexes suppressed, we're not aware that it's all just in our heads. When we have a scary dream, our hearts race, and similarly, when we have a sexy dream, we get wet, and we may just orgasm.

Speaking of which, nocturnal orgasms almost always result from sexy dreams. They're not purely physical reactions. While dreaming of sexual activity, the brain sends signals to our nerve endings down there that sex is happening. So, it reacts as is it really were happening: blood rushes to the vagina, it contracts and pulsates and eventually - ba da bing! You've had an orgasm.

Usually, you'll know it if you've had a wet dream because the intensity of the orgasm - which tends to be just as high as waking orgasms - will wake you up.

Men are more likely to have them when they're younger, while women have more as they get older. You're also more likely to have them between periods, when you're ovulating and your hormone levels lead to a surge in libido.

However, sex dreams aren't all that common altogether. One study found that college-aged men dream about sex just nine times a year on average, and while it isn't known exactly how common wet dreams are, many people don't have them at all. 

When people do have wet dreams, though, one theory proposes that they come from an increase of activity in the dopaminergic system, the brain's reward center, and a suppression of the prefrontal cortex, which normally controls sexual urges.

Wet dreams can also have psychological roots, but don't read too deeply into them. They don't always reflect waking desires. 

Some people, for instance, dream about having sex with someone when what they really want is to be like that person. We most often dream of having sex with someone we would never touch in that way because sex in a dream isn't as much about a physical union you want as it is about a psychological union you need. 

When you dream of someone in that way, there is very likely something about them you need to incorporate into your own life or into your own behavior. Perhaps they are very laid back and never seemed to be stressed about anything. That may be the quality your dreaming mind wants you to "connect" or "unite" with.

A sex dream may also mean you've connected with somebody on some level, though not necessarily a sexual level. For example, you may have recently had a meaningful conversation with the person, or perhaps you united and did a project together for work. 

In these cases, the sex dream sort of "consummates" the successful real life connection or meeting of the minds. If that consummation leads to an orgasm, even better.

Bella Thorne made R16.8m on OnlyFans in 24 hours

Bella Thorne made R16.8 million on OnlyFans in 24 hours.

The 22-year-old actress and singer joined the platform five days ago and by the end of her first day, she has already raked in the impressive figure for paid-for content, charging subscribers $20 (R337) per month.

Bella previously revealed she decided to join OnlyFans because she can "fully control" her "image", be herself, and not have to worry about bullies.

She explained recently of her decision to join the platform: "OnlyFans is the first platform where I can fully control my image; without censorship, without judgement, and without being bullied online for being me."

The former Disney star filmed a racy video to announce she had joined OnlyFans, in which she posed in a bikini and donned a diamond choker necklace featuring the word "sex" embellished on it.

In a statement, she said: "My favorite feed is on OF. OnlyFans is a safe place for me to be Bella. To be who I am without judgement. Without censorship. It's FINALLY my decision to decide how I interact with my fans. (sic)"

Bella loves to be open with her fans but she feels that openness has come at a price and it has led people to misjudge her as a person.

She said: "People have this idea in their head that I'm this crazy bad party girl, or this bitchy, crazy druggie. I don't get it, because I feel like I don't actually put out, like... bad s***? Like, I'm honest. I'm really, really f****** honest, and that gets me in trouble sometimes, but at the same time ... Most people who meet me will apologise.

"They're like, 'Yo, I'm sorry, I've read all these things and I just had a certain image in my head of who you are. And now that I meet you, I feel so bad because I realise that's completely untrue and I should never read anything.' The amount of f****** people that I've heard this s*** from - directors, producers, studio heads. Even friends! I hear it all the time."

Is having a sexually-conservative partner a deal-breaker in a relationship?

I remember having a conversation with my girlfriend about her considering to marry her long-time boyfriend.

She wanted to marry him, but she had her reservations “My boyfriend doesn’t like oral sex, not giving or receiving. He also doesn’t like trying new positions. He’s a wonderful guy but, he’s conservative”.

I asked her if she would be happy with a somewhat bland sex life for the rest of her life, but she couldn’t respond. This is quite a problematic Pro and Cons list to make, and the question is should something like this be a deciding factor, should it be a deal-breaker.

In short, yes. If there’s something you want or need to satisfy you, as long as it’s reasonable and doesn’t harm anyone, then nobody should stand in your way. It’s like the proverbial big red button someone warns you not to push.

Firstly, anyone can find reasons to push sexual needs or desires aside, and this should be applauded, but the general consensus is that it’s not healthy.

Let me assure you; this problem exists throughout all age groups, so don’t let your age be the determining factor here.

Here are a few ideas that could help you out or get your freak on whichever you prefer.

Start with asking yourself (and your partner) why they act and feel the way they do

There are potentially millions of reasons and then a million combinations of those reasons why people could be stuck in their ways in the bedroom, and seemingly unwilling to talk about it. It could be due to religious views.

I know some religious people view oral sex as a sin because of what their church or culture taught them. Some people believe positions are degrading.

Any relationship therapist worth their salt will tell you that sex is a lot more satisfying when people let go of needless reservations and get mentally and physically in sync with each other.

Create a safe space where you can share with your partner what it is you want or need and let them do the same, ideally. Communication is your first step towards creating a safe space and building trust and ultimately being more open to trying new things.

It might require patience from your end, but better to get started sooner rather than later. Just beginning the “process” can be exciting.

Clearly communicate why you have the needs you do

Firstly, you need to ask yourself why you have a need and then articulate this to your partner. You’re both adults. If you need oral sex to orgasm and you’re not communicating this clearly, the onus is on you.

If you have a fetish that does it for you, then you need to tell your partner that. You’re speaking with someone you love, or at least have a deep regard for, and you shouldn’t be ridiculed for speaking up. It could be something as simple as trying new things keeps your sex life exciting.

Sharing is essential in any relationship, and even if they’re not into what you are, you can find common ground. Ease into it.

Get creative

Move beyond conventional but keep it within your frame of reference, don’t take a leap into the unknown without baby steps first.

Into bondage? Ask them to tape your hands up and leave the rest free for now. Make it playful before busting out the sex swing.

Dirty talk your thing? Ask them naughty/sexy questions during sex. If they’re up for it, send them a sexy text during the day.

New positions? Start with a lot of foreplay, make them so turned on they can’t say no.

Tired of the bedroom? Initiate sex in another room in the house or apartment. Kitchens can be great for this.

Like sex toys? Talk about the idea or get something small like a vibrating bullet to ease into things.

Oral sex? Try getting a flavoured lube for oral sex. You get the idea.

The key is you have to take a step out of your comfort zone and at the risk of sounding like some zen master, you need to be the change you want to see. Best of luck, you got this.

5 Tricks for Staying in the Moment During Sex

The post-dinner cleanup is done, the TV is off, and it's finally time for the sex session you've been craving all day. But as you segue from foreplay to the main event, your mind takes a turn—to work deadlines or your friend's gossipy Facebook post. Before you know it, you're mentally a million miles away from your partner.


The inability to focus on the here and now during sex is something a lot of people experience, especially women, says Angela Skurtu, a therapist and author of Helping Couples Overcome Infidelity: A Therapist's Manual. "I've noticed that my female clients have a harder time with this, while men tend to be better at compartmentalizing."

RELATED: 6 Things You Should Know About Having Sex During Your Period

To have satisfying sex, says Skurtu, you must do two things. "You need to focus on relaxing and figure out what turns you on in the moment." To arrive at that place and get you out of that easily distracted head space, we asked Skurtu and sex therapist Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want, for their best actionable tips.


Be mindful outside of the bedroom

To start doing it automatically in the bedroom, practice being more present in the rest of your life. "Any minute of any day, take a moment to focus on one sensation, whether it's sight, smell, taste, touch, or sound," says Skurtu. Try listening to a song, for example, and pay close attention to all the words and the melody, rather than use it as background music. Or really enjoy every bite of your meal, focusing on nothing but the flavors.

RELATED: 5 Sex Moves That Make You Feel Closer to Your Partner

Once you've got the hang of it, try it during sex. Focus on how every kiss feels, or pay attention to your partner's breathing and the way his fingertips feel warm on your skin. Zoning in on the small details will anchor your brain so your thoughts don't wander and you're physically and emotionally there with each touch and stroke.

Play this sexy game

Keep yourself connected to the action at hand through a little playful competition, like a grown-up twist on truth or dare, suggests Skurtu. "You're thinking of the next dare or truth you'll ask, rather than your daily life," she explains. Each option will play off what's going on between the sheets, keeping you tuned in to the moment. For example, if he's just kissed you on the mouth, smile and reply, "I dare you to kiss me like that below the belt next." A truth option? "Tell me where I can kiss you like that on your body."

Take the lead

Being the aggressor or dominant partner means you're in charge of the action—and that keeps your brain solidly in the here and now. "Focus on your partner and making them feel good," suggests Nelson. Taking the lead doesn't mean you have to plan a menu of crazy-sexy moves; it's more about paying attention to what the other person wants and finding out by experimenting and asking questions. You'll stay focused on what's happening between the sheets and learn more about turning on your partner too.

RELATED: Your G-Spot: What It Is, How to Find It, and All the Things It Can Do for Your Sex Life
Switch locations

Having wandering thoughts during sex "could mean you are bored," says Nelson. If this happens, consider doing it in a different part of the house—like the couch, floor, steamy shower . . . whatever sounds sexy and fresh. A change of scenery often works, but if it doesn't, think about bringing in sex toys, such as handcuffs or a vibrator. "When something new is happening, it's easier to focus on the newness," notes Skurtu.

Keep distractions out of sight

Can't stop thinking about that big pile of laundry in the corner of the bedroom? The best thing you can do is move it to another room so you can't see it and consequently think about it. Same goes for your phone, a stack of bills, or anything else that could possibly distract your brain.

RELATED: 6 Times Celebrities Got Real About Masturbation

"I tell people to make their bedrooms sanctuaries," says Skurtu. Think about all of the things that may cause you stress or anxiety, and give them the heave-ho. If watching the nightly news gives you anxiety, for example, keeping a television in your room is a major no-no for a positive and mindful sex life.

Here's What All Women In Sexless Marriages Need To Know

Stuck in a sexless marriage? You’re not alone. According to data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, the top-searched marriage complaint on Google is “sexless marriage.” (What’s more, searches for “sexless marriage” are three and a half times more common than “unhappy marriage” and eight times more common than “loveless marriage.”)

Many of those searching for answers are women struggling to understand why their spouses aren’t reciprocating their desire for sex. We reached out to marriage therapists and sex experts to share the advice they give women stuck in sexually unsatisfying marriages. Read what they had to say below.
"Many women are the ones with a higher sex drive in their marriages but women commonly don't discuss this dynamic openly with friends. Also, the media portrayal of relationships makes women think that males have a constant high level of sexual desire. On the contrary, many women struggle in sexless marriages. Outside of therapy, I'd say that finding a support system can be invaluable. There are forums online where women share their experiences, such as the Dead Bedrooms forum on Reddit." -- Samantha Rodman, psychologist and couples' counselor "It may not be you, so stop beating yourself up. It is no indicator of how sexy you are as a woman if he is initiating or not. Many times men stop initiating sex because they are stressed or they are experiencing some kind of erectile dysfunction and they're too afraid to tell you. Men define their sexuality by their ability to perform and if they cannot achieve an erection upon demand they may withdraw. Keep being affectionate and let him know there is no pressure to get to the 'finish line.' Let him know you still want to cuddle and be close and then if you still want a 'happy ending,' well, frankly, you can take care of it yourself. If he wants to participate, he might find himself more turned on than he thought himself capable. Don't wait for him to take charge.

 It is OK as the woman to be the driving force of your sex life." -- Tammy Nelson, certified sexologist and sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want "Our libido often dips with age and in tandem with life stressors -- juggling multiple jobs, kids, family, home and self care. That said, if several months have passed with no sex and it's troubling you, the matter needs to be addressed. Sometimes, all you need to do is communicate. But there may be physical, psychological or marital issues that require work. If it turns out there is a physical issue -- your over-40 husband is having trouble maintaining erections, for instance -- a trip to the doctor can do wonders. But if the issue is decreased physical attraction, know that it usually has less to do with appearance and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the relationship or marriage. If this is the case, you're in the right place: couples' counseling." -- Robert Weiss, LCSW, senior vice president of clinical development at Elements Behavioral Health"If he has erectile dysfunction or the inability to get or maintain an erection, he may have prostate issues and it is important to get that checked out right away. Have him schedule an appointment with a urologist. Rule out any health problems before you begin talking about what could be happening emotionally. When you have ruled out cancer, his testosterone levels have been checked, and you have had discussions around his stress levels, then you can look deeper into your relationship." -- Tammy Nelson "If your spouse is not willing to see a sex or relationship therapist (alone or with you), it's very telling. I recommend going to professional in almost all cases if either partner is still emotionally committed to their sexless marriage. But if your partner really doesn't give a damn about you or the marriage and the two of you are just co-existing, then you really need to think about what you want the rest of your life to be like." -- Pepper Schwartz, certified sexologist and the author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years"The good news is that for most otherwise healthy (emotionally intimate) couples who are both willing to put in work, it’s relatively easy to spark a new fire. To start, a little romance never hurts. And yes, I am talking about toys, new positions, new places and unexpected romance within your relationship. Be intimate, share quiet moments where you simply look at each other, hold hands and talk about your feelings. Nothing, not even sex, is more intimate than having a compassionate partner who has your back. As for the sex itself, try mixing it up. Tell your spouse about your secret sexual fantasy, and ask if he or she is willing to try it. And then ask about your partner's secret fantasy and offer to indulge it." -- Robert Weiss